All Your Secrets
by zeppx
Summary: Cas is the damaged one. Dean just wants to help and get his friend back. This will not be a terribly happy fic. It's also an AU.
1. Leave me in Denial

First off...this is not a happy fic.

There will be a happy ending of course. But...not a happy fic. It's not going to be very many chapters...probably 4 or 5, but they'll be kinda long I think, so there's that. I also think it'll be a fic inspired _a lot_ by the band Red. I recommend them. Highly.

Anyway! This is more of a prologue than an actual chapter. I don't know what urged this on...I think it was during a fit of depression after watching 6.20 for the fifth time, and I may have been a bit drunk. So yeah.

I have no warnings for you to heed for this chapter (outside of minor drug use), but...there will be warnings. I'll warn y'all so don't worry.

I don't know why I'm posting this either, I'm just a glutton for punishment. I'm hoping I'll be update regularly, but with trying to finish up my mini-bang in 2 weeks time and then I'll be in the process of moving 2200 miles and starting school and such. Dunno when the time will pop up, but I'll try my hardest. I blame the people on Twitter, the snippet I posted earlier was taken well which ended up with me wanting to post. I should have learned by now.

ANYWAY. Sorry for babbling. I hope you guys enjoy.

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><p><em>All your secrets crawl inside<br>You keep them safe, you let them hide  
>You feel them drinking in your pain to kill the memories<em>  
><em> So close your eyes and let it hurt<em>  
>Lie to Me (Denial) - Red<p>

Dean and Castiel had been friends ever since the Milton family had moved into the house next door. The strange boy had come over one day when Dean and Sam had been playing Cops and Robbers in the front yard.

Castiel had watched, asked what they were doing and then asked if he could play with them after Dean had explained the rules.

They had been nine years old then and had been best friends ever since.

They stuck together through everything, even when in high school during junior year they were accepted into different social circles. Dean, captain of the baseball team, Castiel captain of the debate team.

Castiel was the "weird guy" and people generally avoided him and his intense staring. Dean knew Cas' "weirdness" was just his way of dealing with his less than pleasant home life. His mother was a little off; Dean could remember seeing her dancing in the rain in nothing but her nightgown one time. Cas' father had disappeared long before Cas and his family had moved into town. So it was just Castiel, his mother and Uncle Zachariah in the house. Castiel's sister Anna and brother Gabriel had left the house not long after moving in, going off to live with their oldest brother Michael.

Dean suspected sometimes that Cas' home life was worse than the other boy let on. Castiel always carefully avoided the subject and deflected whenever it was brought up. Dean worried, as did Sam and even Dean's parents seemed to worry. Probably why they always let Cas stay over whenever he wanted to without question.

Like now, even though it was a school night Castiel was stretched out on Dean's floor, arms folded behind his head, gaze focused on the ceiling. Dean was trying to sleep but he couldn't, Cas' tear streaked face was burned into his mind. When Dean had asked what was wrong Cas had wiped his eyes, lifted his chin in that defiant way of his and simply asked if he could stay over for the night. Naturally, he could.

"Cas? You awake?"

"Yes."

Dean hesitated, turning onto his side so he could look down at Cas, "What happened tonight?"

Cas was silent for so long Dean thought Cas was going to ignore him. Cas did in a way, "You think insanity is genetic?"

"Cas-"

"Seriously Dean. My mom's crazy…you think I could be crazy too?"

"You're not crazy Cas."

"Not yet anyway." Cas' head turned a little and they stared at each other, Dean trying to puzzle what was going through the other boy's head.

Finally, Dean said, "None of your other siblings are crazy. Except Gabe maybe."

Cas chuckled then said quietly, "None of them have to live over there though."

"What happened Cas?" Sometimes if Dean pushed enough he could get a resemblance of an actual answer. Usually it was something his mother had done or said, on most occasions Cas didn't answer though.

Tonight was no exception either. Cas rolled onto his side, back facing Dean, "Goodnight Dean."

"Cas…"

"_Goodnight_." Dean sighed and refocused his attention on the ceiling above his bed, listening to Cas' breaths. Neither of them fell asleep that night.

Everything went downhill after that.

Dean really should have been able to figure it out that night.

* * *

><p>It started slowly. A joint here and there, sneaking alcohol from the fridge and drinking more than was necessary at parties.<p>

When senior year rolled around Dean hardly knew Castiel anymore. They were still friends, still talked and ate lunch together, but Castiel had changed over the summer. He was someone Dean didn't recognize now. Dean would never turn his back on Cas though, something had happened to change Cas like this and Dean would help wherever he could, whenever he could. Even if Cas never asked for it.

Cas had spent the summer under house arrest, the final week of junior year he'd punched their French teacher in the face for something that had been said to Cas. Dean had hardly seen Cas since. Only on the few days that Zachariah wasn't around did Cas come into the backyard and sit at the very edge of his boundary. They would just sit and talk while Dean did his chores around the backyard and Cas would apply stickers or paint obscene things on the tracking bracelet around his ankle.

After that, Cas moved onto heavier drugs, although he favored pills and alcohol, he was constantly shoving them down his throat whenever he found some. There was hardly a day that Cas was completely sober, he was always on something. Even in school.

He'd been suspended more than once from school for having a bottle of some kind of alcohol and several bottles of pills stashed in his locker.

When Cas came back to school, the rumors came with him.

Rumors of blowjobs in the restroom or out behind the gym. Someone even said they'd seen Cas in an alleyway, shoved against a wall while some stranger fucked him.

Dean didn't want to believe any of it, but with Cas' new behavioral changes, there was the strong possibility it was all true.

Dean didn't know how to talk to this Castiel, didn't know how to help him. He'd even gone so far as to ask his mom for help, his mom who used to dote on Cas, make sure he'd eat and was comfortable. But she'd only shaken her head, warned Dean to stay away from Castiel now because he was trouble and she didn't want Dean falling into that trouble.

He'd persisted though, reminding her of how much she'd adored Cas and his quiet, awkward ways. Told her he was trying to help, trying to bring that Cas back. She'd shaken her head and told him there wasn't much they could do for him if Castiel didn't want to be helped.

Dean had stopped going to his parents for his help, seeing that they'd already given up on Cas.

* * *

><p>Tonight the two of them were sprawled in the grass in Cas' backyard. Dean had snaked one of his Dad's beers and was slowly drinking it down while Cas lazily sucked on a joint he'd rolled a few minutes before.<p>

"Cas?"

"Hmm?" Dean turned his head to look at him, "What happened to you?"

Cas laughed, it was a dry, brittle sounding laugh. Hollow. Dean hated it.

Cas blew out the acrid smoke, turned his own head to face Dean, he chuckled again and muttered, "Life."

"And what's _happening_ in your life Cas? I'm just trying to help here." He wanted his friend back.

Before Cas could respond the backdoor slammed open, Zachariah silhouetted in the light from the kitchen, "Castiel!"

Dean felt Cas tense beside him before sitting and snubbing out his joint then turned and looked towards his uncle.

"Get inside. Now!" Castiel sighed and Zachariah disappeared inside again. The two teens pulled themselves upright; Dean turned and looked at Cas who was staring at the house with a look on his face that Dean couldn't decipher.

"Guess I'll see you tomorrow Cas?"

Cas nodded and hesitated before heading inside. He gave Dean a pained looked, it almost looked like the old Cas, the one that had always snuck into Dean's room in the middle of night and left before the sun could rise, just so he could get away from his mother's screaming.

Castiel's hand landed on Dean's shoulder for a moment, he squeezed gently and whispered, "You can't help me Dean. No one can." With that, he turned and walked away, backdoor clicking shut behind him.

"The hell I can't." Dean growled, fists clenched at his side.

A week later, Cas dropped out of school. It was a shock to everyone, Cas had been a good student, had been on the honor roll and top of the senior class. He'd been on track to have his pick at colleges, to make something of himself.

Well, before everything changed that was.

Dean tried not to be too surprised about it now as he stood in the hallway, watching Cas empty out his locker. Dean sighed and slowly walked towards him, "Cas?"

Cas looked up, smiled when he saw Dean. It was an actual smile too, not one of the drugged out or bitter smiles that Cas was so fond of. Dean was probably the only person who could drag an actual smile out of Castiel these days.

"Hey Dean."

"What are you doin' man?" Cas shook his head, gently pulled the few pictures he had in his locker down and snapped it shut.

"You already know what I'm doing Dean."

"_Why_? We're so close to graduation."

"I wouldn't be graduating anyway Dean, and there's no way I'm sticking around for an extra year." Dean watched as Cas lifted his bag from the floor and slung it over his shoulder and tucked the pictures carefully into his pocket.

Cas stared at Dean for a moment, eyes soft and sad before Cas built up his walls again, "I'll see you around Dean." Dean could only stand there and watch as Cas turned and walked down the hallway and out of the school.

"Wait…wait. _Cas_ dropped out? _Cas_?" Sam asked later that night when Dean had told him.

"Yeah."

"_Why_?" Dean had forgotten that Sam had been good friends with Cas as well. Sam had spent his summers with them both and it had been Cas that had helped him with homework and had provided the stimulating conversation that Sam required. Sam was just as concerned about Cas as Dean was.

Dean looked through the bedroom window, it faced the Milton household and he could see Cas and Zachariah in the kitchen from here. Zachariah was pacing around the room, waving his hands around while Cas just sat there, gaze fixed on the floor.

Dean sighed and turned away, he was trying to piece this together, he had a feeling it was all there in front of him but he was missing something.

Sam's gaze was fixed out the window as well, brow furrowed. It was his serious thinking face.

"Spit it out Sammy."

"Do you think…maybe that they…"

"What?" Sam fidgeted for a minute, turned away from the window and fixed his gaze on Dean.

"You think maybe Cas is abused?" Dean blinked at his little brother, then shook his head.

"No way. Cas wouldn't just sit there and take it. Neither would Gabriel and Anna."

"Maybe they don't know."

"Cas still wouldn't just sit there and take it Sam. He's too much of a stubborn little bastard."

"I don't know Dean; it all depends on how long it's been happening. We don't know anything." Sammy always had been too smart for his own good. Dean stared through the window again; Sam sighed and left the room.

Dean vowed to talk to Cas about it tomorrow.

In the morning, there was an envelope with Dean's name printed on it in Cas' neat handwriting and Cas was gone.

Dean never opened that envelope.


	2. Just a Broken Promise

Hi guys! Sorry for the delay with writing this, I had one half written on the computer already and then the rest written in a notebook and I just needed to type it up. But then I had to move and settle into my dorm and quietly freaking out and just...generally be busy and too tired to do anything. So! Here's the next chapter, it was going to be longer but well...I decided against it I guess, it's not too horribly angsty (yet!) but I hope it's enjoyable nonetheless.

**Some warnings:** Foul language, indications of abuse, drug use, talk of prostitution...I think that's it.

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><p><em>How long can you stand the pain?<em>  
><em>How long will you hide your face?<em>  
><em>How long will you be afraid?<br>Are you afraid?  
>How long will you play this game?<em>  
><em>Will you fight or will you walk away?<em>  
>Let it Burn - Red<p>

Three years later

Dean was five pages into a twelve-page paper, it was two in the morning and the buzz from the Redbull he'd had earlier was wearing off. He was thinking of finally heading off to bed and finishing in the morning when his phone started buzzing across the desk. He considered ignoring it, but the last time someone had called him at this time it'd been Jo asking him to come bail her out of jail.

Dean flipped his phone open with a sigh and expecting it to be Jo said, "If you're in jail again I'm not coming to bail you out this time, it might teach you a lesson."

There was no answer though.

"Um…hello?" He could hear someone on the other end of the line, there was the snuffling sound of someone breathing and the sound of traffic in the background.

"Hello?" Dean sighed, closed his eyes and counted to five before saying, "I know someone's there, I can hear you breathing."

There was a hitch of breath on the other end and then quietly, "D-Dean?"

Dean frowned at his computer screen; there was something familiar about that voice…

"Yeah, this is Dean."

There was a rush of breath, another hitch like the person was crying and then, "Dean it's…it's me. Cas."

Dean nearly dropped his phone in shock. He hadn't seen or heard anything from Cas for _years_. He'd looked, along with Gabriel and Anna, tried to find him after he'd left without a word but Cas apparently, was good at disappearing. Gabriel and Anna had given up trying to find him after a year, Dean had too in a way. He checked databases and the jails in the area for anyone who would match Cas' description but there was never any result. Dean didn't know what else to do about it so he'd gone on with his life.

"_Cas_?"

There was a sniff, cough and then, "S'what I said."

Dean was suddenly very, very mad, "Where the fuck have you been? You know that Gabriel, Anna and I have been looking for you?"

Cas snorted on the other end of the line then mumbled, "I've been around."

"_Around_? You've been _around_? The fuck Cas? You've been missing for three years and that's all you have to say?"

Cas sighed and there was a _thunk_ on the other line like Cas had just hit his head against something.

"Cas-"

"Dean, I didn't call to be yelled at okay?" Cas snapped and_ finally_ that was close to the Cas Dean remembered. Before the drugs and drinking, the irritable, impatient person he'd been that had been Dean's best friend.

"Why are you calling me then?"

Cas sighed again and whispered, "I didn't know who else to call."

"Jesus Cas, you call your brother! Or your sister! They've been worried about you!" Dean didn't add on that he'd been worried too. He'd spent many nights worrying about where Cas was, what Cas was doing. Was he warm? Was he safe? Was he happy?

Cas snorted on the other line, sighed, "I don't have a lot of time, I used the last of my money to call you."

"Okay, where are you? What do you need?"

"I…I'm not actually sure where I am. I didn't know who else to call Dean."

"What do you mean you don't know where you are?"

Cas sighed, there was another _thunk_ and, "It means exactly what it means. I'm standing in front of a Kwik Stop, my money's been taken and so have my shoes."

"You've been robbed?"

"Not the first time it's happened. I know I'm still in Kansas at least." Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes, this was not the way he'd imagined hearing from Castiel again.

Then Cas' words sank in, "Wait, you've been in Kansas this whole time?"

There was a long silence on the other end of the line and then, "Of course. I told you this in the letter I left you Dean. I thought you…thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore and that's why I haven't heard from you."

Dean blinked, the letter. What letter?

Cas' voice interrupted his thoughts, "You didn't read it did you?" Dean blinked in confusion again. Cas sounded bitter and something else that Dean couldn't place, then he remembered. The letter. Of course, the envelope with Dean's name that Castiel had left him before he'd disappeared. It was somewhere in Dean's closet, hiding under all the layers of shit he had hidden in there.

"Right, that letter." Dean muttered, not sure what to say to that.

Cas sighed on the other end of the line then muttered, "Like I said, I didn't know who else to call and I don't really have anywhere to go. If you'd rather not help I can…I can figure something else out."

"Cas, you kidding me? Of course I'll help," if there was one thing Dean remembered vividly it was that Cas hated asking for help, so when he finally did it meant shit was bad, "Just tell me where you are. Street signs? Ask the dude inside."

"I'm not allowed inside."

"Why?"

"I already told you. I have no shoes, it's against the rules." Dean sighed and could picture the belligerent look clearly on Cas' face, he always hated repeating himself. Dean rubbed a hand over his eyes, now he was wondering why Cas would have no shoes. What the hell was Cas into? What he been doing over the years?

"So stick your head in and ask, I don't care what you do Cas just figure out where the hell you are so I can pick you up."

Cas heaved another sigh and there was a clatter, Dean figured he'd dropped the phone. There was some shouting in the background that Dean couldn't make out, then Cas was back, "I'm at the Kwik Stop on ninth."

Dean blinked at the wall in front of him; Cas had been here in town this whole time? He'd been searching for the bastard for three years and he'd been in town all the damn time? And not very far either.

"You've been in Lawrence this whole time?"

Cas huffed, "Yes, if you'd read the letter I'd left you, you would know this. My time is running out, are you going to come or not? My feet are numb."

"Yeah Cas, I'll be there in ten."

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later Dean was pulling the Impala into the Kwik Stop's parking lot. He didn't immediately spot Cas, too used to someone shorter and scrawnier than himself. It'd been three years though and people did change, Dean himself had hit another growth spurt and the sports he'd been playing at the University had helped him bulk up.<p>

Cas, when Dean finally spotted him, was sitting on the curb at the far end of the parking lot across from the payphones. He was closer in height to Dean now, maybe an inch shorter instead of several, he was still a skinny thing, but there was a hidden strength that Dean could make out on that lean frame. The hair was the same though. Of course, Cas' hair would never not be sticking out in every direction like it had a personal vendetta against gravity.

The eyes were what confirmed it for Dean though, made him absolutely sure that it was Cas, they were the same bright blue they'd always been.

Cas unfolded himself from his curled up position on the curb and stood as Dean pulled himself out of the Impala. He was probably a little too thin, and his hair was dirty and probably a bit longer than it used to be and his clothes were a few sizes too big, but it was indeed Cas.

Dean stood awkwardly by the car while Cas approached, not seeming to mind the fact that his feet were bare and there was probably broken glass scattered on the asphalt he was walking across.

Cas stopped in front of Dean, looked him up and down then said in a voice that brought back so many childhood memories, "Huh. You grew."

Dean snorted, "So did you."

Cas shrugged and picked at the hem of his sweatshirt.

"So why the payphone? No cell phone?" Dean asked after a moment of awkwardness. He should have just bundled Cas into the car, taken him back to his apartment and called up Gabriel and Anna.

"I have one," Cas muttered, digging around in the pocket at the front of his sweatshirt, he pulled one out and said, "But the voice said I was out of minutes."

Dean snorted again and motioned back towards the car, "Well, let's get you out of here then."

"John gave you the Impala?" Cas asked, eyeing the car as he slid into the passenger seat.

Dean dropped in behind the wheel and shot Cas a grin, "Yeah, before I left for college. Never thought he would."

Cas hummed and ran his hands over the dashboard and seat. Dean had to remind himself Cas had spent almost as much time in this car as he and Sam had when growing up.

"I knew he would." Cas finally muttered, shoving his hands back into the front pocket of his sweatshirt.

"Oh you did huh?"

"Mmhmm." Cas shot him a small smile and turned his attention out the window. Dean watched him for a moment before backing out of the parking lot and heading for his apartment. He had no idea what to say to Cas right now. It had been three years since he'd seen Cas; he almost thought conversation would be easy to come by, like it used to be. He couldn't have been more wrong though.

Cas had just up and left in the middle of the night without a word. Dean could tell he was still on the drugs, could smell the pot on him and see the fidget in his hands as he tried to settle into the seat. Cas had been his best friend, but there's always been something of himself that he held back, that he never shared, no matter how often Dean asked. It was slightly annoying, since Dean had always shared everything with Cas. Cas knew him inside and out, could read him perfectly, but Cas had always remained a mystery. The conversation had always been easy though, Cas was incredibly easy to talk to. Dean didn't know what it was about him, maybe the aura of calm or those damn blue eyes, whatever it was people always unloaded to Cas.

Now though, there was a tension there. An awkwardness that Dean didn't know how to break.

"So uh…how've you been Cas?"

Cas simply shrugged, chewed on a hangnail on his thumb then mumbled, "College huh? Thought you were gonna work for your dad."

"Changed my mind. Sam also made some good points." Like how Dean could make twice the amount of money if he had a college degree, and how he could do what he loved for it. Sure, he liked working on cars, but he loved building things more.

"That's nice. What are you studying?"

"Mechanical engineering."

Cas hummed around his thumb, glanced over at Dean and shot him another one of those small smiles, "You always were good at building things."

Dean chuckled and nodded, feeling some of the tension draining from the car, "Yeah, remember that piece of shit radio we built out of those spare parts from Bobby's? That was awesome."

"I kept that. Dunno if it's still where I left it, but I kept it." Cas muttered quietly, gaze still fixed down on his bare feet, Dean shot him a smile even if he couldn't see it. He was just happy Cas would keep something like that.

They fell into a silence again, the tension building once more. Dean glanced over at Cas who had gone back to staring out the window and asked quietly, "Why did you leave Cas?" Cas snorted, fidgeted a little and kept his gaze out the window.

"Cas?"

"Doesn't matter Dean."

Dean pulled into his spot outside of his apartment building and shut the engine off, he toyed with the keys for a moment before asking, "Will you at least call Gabriel? Or Anna?"

Cas' face darkened and Dean hurried on, "They've been worried about you. They looked for you too."

"Well none of you looked very hard. I never left the fucking city." Cas snapped, glaring over at Dean.

"Cas-"

"And if they cared about me so damn much they wouldn't have left me behind! They would have gotten me out of that shithole instead of fucking leaving me there to fucking rot!" Cas' voice had steadily risen until he was shouting. Cas huffed, glared again and threw the door open. Dean had a moment to fear Cas would take off down the street and disappear again but he simply stood and waited by the building's door for Dean, bare feet shifting impatiently.

Dean let himself out of the car, locked it up tight and slowly approached Cas, "You always were secretive when it came to your home life."

Cas grunted, crossed his arms, waiting for Dean to open the door, stepping inside after Dean and following him up the stairs to Dean's third floor apartment.

"Seriously Cas, if you want some help you've gotta talk about it eventually." Dean grumbled as soon as they were locked into the apartment with no chance for Cas to take off and disappear.

"Dean, I wanted help because I had nowhere to go tonight. Not about my home life where I no longer live."

Dean sighed and motioned for Cas to head into the living room, Cas eyed him suspiciously before disappearing into the room. Dean followed him a few seconds later; Cas was over by the bookcase staring at a family picture of Dean, Sam, John and Mary.

"How is Sam?" Cas asked quietly, fingering the picture before turning away from it.

"He's good. You wouldn't believe how tall he's gotten now. Kids a freakin' sasquatch." Cas smiled and shoved his hands back into his pockets.

"He's gonna be graduating this year, can you believe that? Top of his class and everything." Dean grinned over at Cas, bursting with the pride he felt for his little brother.

"Sam always was smart." Cas murmured, eyes fixing on his feet.

Dean didn't bother pointing out that Cas had been smart too and instead said, "He'd love to hear from you. He uh…he's missed you."

Cas shrugged and headed away from the bookcase and towards the TV, examining Dean's collection of movies. Dean watched him before saying, "Kinda weird, always thought it would be you going to college and me barely graduating high school."

"Trying to make me feel bad?" Cas whispered, turning away from the movies to glance over at Dean.

"Of course not Cas."

Cas simply grunted and moved towards the couch, sitting down on it awkwardly. Dean moved from where he'd been standing in the doorway and sat in the chair across from Cas, they stared at each other for a moment when Dean finally asked, "So what have you been doing with yourself?"

Cas shrugged, "Nothing you want to hear about."

"Not true Cas."

Cas eyed him before saying, "So you want to hear how I've been whoring myself out for shelter, food and drugs?" Dean had nearly forgotten how brutally honest Cas could be.

Then the words sunk in and he blinked, not sure if he'd actually heard correctly. The drugs he knew about, everyone had known about it since Cas had never really been that secretive about it. But prostitution?

"Jesus, Cas."

Cas stared over at him, eyes narrowed and chin raised up in that defiant way of his, "Have to make a living somehow, fucking is the only thing I'm good for anyway."

"Cas that's not true and you know it."

Cas simply snorted in response.

"Who told you that?"

Cas leaned back on the couch, arms crossed over his chest and eyes focused on something over Dean's head.

It was the most Dean had ever gotten about Cas' personal life, even after so many years apart, but he could tell the other man was beginning to shut down and block him out. So Dean snapped, "Damnit Cas, will you just talk to me for once in your damn life?"

Cas' eyes shifted back to his face, they narrowed before he muttered, "Zachariah, okay?"

"Zachariah told you that you were only good for fucking?" Cas nodded, eyes shifting away again, this time in shame instead of defiance, "Cas what the fuck? Since when? _What the fuck_?"

If Dean weren't more concerned with Cas right now he'd be over at that house and beating the shit out of Zachariah.

Cas sighed and shifted uncomfortably on the couch, eyes flitting over to the doorway like he was planning his escape route.

"_Cas_."

"As long as I can remember, alright, Dean? Zachariah…he…he wasn't a nice guy. Worse than my mom."

Dean stared over at Cas. He knew Cas' mom was harsh towards him sometimes, blaming him for things or just screaming or talking to voices only she could hear. He knew sometimes she'd tell Cas he was worthless, she wasn't the best mom, but Cas had loved her anyway because he understood that despite what she said she didn't really mean it. She was just sick, and sometimes she did act like an actual mother and treat him right, those moments were rare but it enabled Cas to just let the bad things roll off his shoulders.

"What'd he do to you Cas?" Dean asked gently, not wanting Cas to bolt but prepared to leap off his chair and tackle Cas if he needed to. He'd do whatever he had to do to keep him here, even tie him up.

"Nothing."

"Cas."

Then Cas snapped and Dean knew he'd pushed too hard in too short a time, "Nothing damnit! It's not your fucking business!" Cas dug around in the pocket of his jeans, pulled out a baggy filled with pills and popped three into his mouth before the bag was shoved back into his pocket.

"Christ, Cas."

"Don't start. If it bothers you I'll leave. Won't be the first time I've stayed out on the street for the night."

"So why'd you call then?"

Cas sighed and sank back into the couch cushions. He looked older than his years now, dark shadows under his eyes, face lined and body slack with exhaustion, "Maybe I'm just tired Dean. Maybe I was a little lonely, maybe I missed my friend. Do you really need a reason?"

"Okay, calm down Cas. It's okay…you can stay."

"Thank you."

"Why don't you take a shower and I'll get you some clean clothes and make up the couch for you. It pulls out into a bed; it's not too bad either."

Cas stared down at his hands, nodded and muttered, "Thank you," again.

"No problem Cas."

"It'll only be for tonight." Compared to how he had been a few minutes ago, ready for a fight and ready to bolt Cas was complacent and quiet, drained.

"You can stay as long as you want to Cas, you're my friend and I'd do just about anything for you. You know that." Cas chewed on his lip before nodding and slowly pulling himself up off the couch and heading down the short hallway towards the bathroom.

As soon as the door clicked shut behind him Dean was up off the chair and heading for his room to find Cas the clothes he'd need. He waited until he heard the water running before opening the door and slipping the clothes in and setting them on the counter.

With that done, Dean turned and headed back for the living room, phone in hand and Sam's number flashing on the screen as it was dialed.

Sam needed to know about this, and would probably be able to help since there was no way Dean would be able to handle this on his own. Not that he was now getting a semi-clear picture of the life Cas had been leading all these years and the one before he'd run away.

So yeah, Dean would need Sam's help.

* * *

><p>The shower was still going in the background as Sam's voice came in through the earpiece, quiet and disbelieving, "<em>Cas<em> is there? As in Castiel? As in our neighbor who ran away? As in-"

"Yes Sam! That Cas! How many Cas' do we know?"

"Okay, okay. So he's there? Did you find him? How is he?"

Dean once again had to remind himself that Dean wasn't the only friend Cas had had growing up. He may have been a little socially awkward and avoided, but both of the Winchesters had been his friends, Dean had shown him what a social life was while he and Sam would have their little geek out sessions.

"He actually called me. Asked me to come pick him up. Apparently he's been in town this whole time."

"Have you called Anna or Gabriel?"

"He didn't want me to. I think he's had a rough time of it lately, even at home. I think you were right Sam, some of the things he said about Zachariah…"

Sam sighed on the other end of the phone, Dean could just picture the pathetic puppy dog look he'd be sporting, eyes all wide and liquid, forehead crinkled up.

"Do you want me to come over?"

"Nah Sam, it's too late. You've got school in the morning, I just thought you ought to know, and if he stays I may need some help with him, he's still on the drugs."

Sam sighed again and Dean knew he was nodding his head, "Of course, I'm coming for the weekend though. I want to see him, and you know I'll help whenever I can. Should I tell mom and dad?"

"Nah, they stopped caring about Cas a long time ago."

Sam hummed in agreement, "Do you want me to call Gabriel? You know he cares about Cas more than he lets on, he'd want to know he's with you."

"No, because then Gabriel would be over here and Cas will make a fuss, he didn't want to see them or anything," Dean paused when he heard the water shut off and turned to head into his bedroom to grab a clean set of sheets and pillows for Cas, "I want him to trust me again Sam, and outing him to Gabriel when he doesn't want to be won't help."

Sam chuckled on the other end of the phone, "Look at you, paying attention in Psych 101 are we?"

"Shut up you little bitch."

"Whatever jerk, let me know what happens and I'll see you this weekend."

"Sure, Sammy." Dean ended the call and turned around, arms full of sheets and pillows and nearly dropped them when he spotted Cas standing in the bedroom doorway, clad in an old pair of Dean's sweatpants and thin t-shirt, hair dripping wet and curling around his ears as it dried.

"That was Sam?"

Dean cleared his throat, tightened his grip on the linens and nodded, "Yeah, he'd want to know you're okay Cas."

Cas grunted, nodded and stepped forward to take some of the things from Dean's arms. Dean didn't know how much Cas had heard from his conversation with Sam, but he didn't bother mentioning anything just in case.

They made up the pull out bed in silence, working well together without words despite the awkward tension filling the room. Dean kept his mouth firmly shut when Cas popped another few pills before plopping down in the middle of the bed.

He groaned and threw his arms across the bed and wiggled a little into the mattress and pillows, "I haven't slept on something this comfortable in…_forever_."

Dean chuckled and perched on the edge of the bed, unsure of what to say or do. Cas nudged him with a foot and mumbled, "Go to bed Dean, I'm not going anywhere tonight, I promise."

"Alright, I'll see you in the morning Cas. I'll make you breakfast."

Cas looked up at him, eyelids drooping before a large yawn cracked his jaw and he shifted a little on the bed and muttered sleepily, "I'd like that."

"Good, I make some pretty awesome pancakes."

"M'sure you do."

Dean wasn't sure if it was the pills he'd popped or if Cas was just that exhausted, so he just patted Cas' leg and whispered, "Get some sleep Cas."

Cas rolled onto his side, nuzzled into the pillow and yawned again, "Mmhmm."

"I'm glad you're here Cas." Dean whispered, resting his hand on Cas' calf, fingers curling around the muscle.

Cas hummed, twitched his leg and reached out one hand to rest it on Dean's thigh before whispering, "Me too."

Dean sighed and chewed on his bottom lip, sitting there on the edge of the bed until Cas' breathing evened out in sleep. He knew he should head to bed so he could get up for his early morning class, but he couldn't find it in himself to leave. Like he was afraid if he took his eyes off Cas it would all turn out to be a hallucination, or not real.

With one last sigh and look Dean gave Cas' calf one last squeeze and moved off the bed and to his own room.

He'd be sure to make a hell of a pancake feast in the morning for Cas; maybe having the option to being well fed would keep him around.


	3. Your Heart is Full of Broken Dreams

So y'all know. Writer's block is like...the worst thing ever. Pretty much why I haven't updated anything. I haven't forgotten any stories, I promise, hopefully now I'll be able to write some more and get updates out on what really needs to be updated.

Anyway! Sorry for the wait.

I hope this chapter makes up for it.

**Warnings: **Drug use/mentions of drug use. Mentions/talk of child abuse. Talk/mention of prostitution. Talk of non-con. Badly written porn attempt. Language.

You've been warned.

* * *

><p><em>And I'll be your hope, when you feel like it's over<br>And I will pick you up, when your whole world shatters  
>And when you're finally in my arms<br>Look up and see love has a face_  
>Not Alone - Red<p>

When Dean returned to the apartment after his morning classes, the dishes he'd used to make their pancake breakfast were clean and put away. The sofa bed had been folded up and the sheets folded and placed on the table. Dean had hoped Cas would stay, Dean had offered the apartment for his use while Dean had been away, Cas apparently had other plans.

Dean dropped his bag by the door with a sigh and headed into the apartment. If Cas was gone he'd have to possibly call Gabriel and Anna, let them know he'd seen their brother and that he was still alive at least.

Dean stepped into his room and nearly had a heart attack when he spotted Cas sprawled in the window. He'd removed the screen and had one foot planted on the fire escape while the other swung lazily, toes brushing the carpet in Dean's room.

"Christ, Cas. Thought you'd left."

Cas hummed and turned hazy eyes on Dean, he smiled and turned back to watching the empty pill bottle flipping around in his hand.

"What are you on?"

"Does it matter?" Cas mumbled, pill bottle dropping to the ground.

"Cas..." Dean hated doing this, hoped it wouldn't drive Cas out, "If you're going to stay here I just want to know what you're on."

"Little of this, little of that."

"Cas."

"Valium. Mostly." Dean sighed and moved further into the room, Cas watched him before returning his gaze to the window. Dean sighed again and settled on the edge of his bed, watching Cas. The Valium had made him loose, and from the looks of it, a little drowsy.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, Cas?" Cas looked over at Dean, frowned then clasped his hands in his lap.

Dean tried again, "What is it Cas? You know you can talk to me about anything."

"Why do bad things happen to good people?"

"I dunno, man."

"I was a good person, wasn't I?"

Dean frowned, wondering where this was going. "You still are a good person, Cas."

"Then why did all this shit happen to me?"

Dean hesitated, not sure if he should take advantage of where this conversation was going to get his answers, or to steer it somewhere else.

Cas spared him the decision, "You remember that day we met?"

"Yeah, you didn't know what the hell me and Sam were playing."

Cas smiled, eyes closing with the memory, "I was only outside because mom had been yelling. She told me I was a mistake. That she'd never wanted me. It was my fault dad had left."

"I'm sorry, Cas."

Cas ignored him and continued on, corners of his eyes tightening, "Do you know what Zachariah did when I went home that night?"

Dean had the feeling this was something he didn't want to hear. But he had to know, he wanted to understand so he could help Cas.

Dean swallowed then whispered, "Tell me what he did Cas."

"He slapped me around. Then when he got bored with that he... he held me down and..." Cas trailed off, breath hitching. Dean's eyes closed and he sucked in a breath, trying not to picture Cas at nine years old. Cas who had been small for his age, being held down by his uncle and being raped.

He wanted to kill Zachariah more than anything in that moment.

Cas took a deep breath and continued, "Mom said I deserved it. She just sat there and let him do that to me. What k-kind of m-mother lets that happen to her s-son?" Cas took a shuddering breath, "She just let Zachariah f-fuck me w-whenever he wanted! Even when she w-was lucid! S-she didn't do a-anything! W-w-what kind of m-mother-" Dean shot up off the bed and pulled Cas from the windowsill and to the floor.

Cas curled into Dean's lap, head resting on his shoulder, Cas' own shoulders shaking with his sobs, hands clutching Dean's shirt, "It's alright Cas. I've got you."

After a few minutes Cas calmed, he didn't bother moving and Dean couldn't find it in himself to move.

"That wasn't the only time Zachariah did that to you is it?" Dean asked quietly, slowly stroking Cas' arm.

Cas shook his head, "Once a week, sometimes more. When I was under house arrest he... he let his friends use me too. Do you remember them?"

"You mean that creepy Alistair guy? I don't remember the other one." Dean shuddered at Cas' nod, he remembered Alistair clearly. Dean had been coming home from spending some time at the park with Sam and the creep had looked at Dean like he was a piece of meat he'd like to eat.

Dean sighed and pressed his nose into Cas' thick hair, breathing in the smell of his own shampoo, "Christ, Cas."

Cas snorted and shifted as if to move away, but Dean held on to him, "You should have told me, Cas."

"Oh? And what would you have done? There was nothing you could do to help me."

"We would have gotten you out of there! You didn't have to go through any of that!"

Cas huffed a sigh, mouth opening to retort but Dean cut him off, "And don't say you deserved it either! There's nothing a nine year old does that deserves _that_as punishment!"

Cas sighed again and put his head back on Dean's shoulder, Dean just held him a little tighter, trying to comprehend everything Cas had gone through. The pills, drugs and alcohol suddenly made so much sense.

"Does Gabriel know? Or Anna?" Dean finally asked.

"Not the full extent of things."

"And they just left you there?"

"Now you understand my frustration." Dean nodded and pushed Cas back a little, "Let's get you into bed Cas."

"No, I'm-"

"You need to get some rest." Cas sighed then nodded and allowed himself to be maneuvered into Dean's bed. He settled under the covers, blinking bleary eyes up at Dean.

"I'll be out in the living room if you need anything." Cas nodded then reached over and grabbed Dean's hand before Dean could leave, "There was only one good thing, Dean. One thing that kept me going."

Dean sat on the edge of the bed, "What would that be?"

"You, Dean."

Dean swallowed back his surprise and just continued to sit there, holding Cas' hand until his friend drifted off to sleep.

When it looked like Cas wouldn't wake again Dean moved out into the living room. He had no idea how to help Cas through this. This was something that needed professional help, not an engineering student who had taken a few psych classes freshman year.

Dean leaned back against the couch, eyes focused on the ceiling. How the hell was he supposed to help Cas now? He obviously needed it and there was no way Dean was going to leave his friend behind. No matter how much Cas had changed.

* * *

><p>Sam was silent on the other end of the phone. Dean had called and told him everything Cas had told him. He knew he probably shouldn't have, would probably upset Cas, but Christ, Dean needed to tell someone and his little brother was his best and safest bet.<p>

"This is... Jesus, Dean."

"I had the same reaction."

Sam sighed, "He needs professional help Dean. Neither of us is qualified to even comprehend what he needs."

"I know Sam. I just don't think I can talk Cas into doing something like that."

"We can all try." Sam had that stubborn tone to his voice. The tone that said he wasn't going to drop this or give up any time soon. Dean just hoped it didn't end up driving Cas away. For all they knew Cas didn't want help, or didn't think he needed help.

"Just let me talk to him a bit more before you get all gung-ho about this."

Sam sighed, but Dean knew he'd gotten his little brother to agree, "We should tell Gabriel at least."

"No, Sam. Not with how Cas feels about him. That needs to be his own decision."

"Dean-"

"_Sam_. We can't push him."

"Fine. Mom needs the phone, but I'll be there to see you next weekend."

"Sure, Sam. Tell everyone I said 'hey'."

Sam grunted then hung up, Dean flipped his own phone shut and tossed it onto the couch. He had homework he should be doing but he couldn't find it in himself to focus on it. Not with everything Cas had told him running through his mind.

Dean fell asleep instead.

* * *

><p>When Dean woke up in the morning it was to an empty apartment. He didn't know how he immediately knew it was empty, but by now Cas was usually up and about, making some kind of noise. The apartment had that empty feel to it though, he'd gotten used to having Cas around over the last few days and now suddenly he wasn't there and it was like a hole had opened up and sucked all the warmth out of the place.<p>

Dean raced around the apartment, double checking what he already knew.

Cas wasn't here.

"Shit."

He should have known Cas might do something like this. Cas had been acting weird all night after he'd woken up in Dean's bed. He'd been quiet and sullen throughout dinner and cleaning up, hadn't even bothered to watch TV or read a book like he usually did after eating. Had just spread his sheets out over the couch, curled up under the blanket and fallen back asleep.

Dean sighed and stared at the couch. The blanket and sheets were neatly folded on top of the pillow. The cushions had been fluffed and replaced, the coffee table cleaned. It looked like Cas had never been here.

Dean was preparing to skip his classes for the day and go out to hunt for Cas and drag him back here if he needed to when he spotted the note taped to the door. He ripped it off and read over it a few times before sighing in relief and leaning back against the door.

Cas was just 'out' getting a few things.

Whatever that meant.

But he'd said he'd be back later. Cas was going to come back.

That was all that mattered to Dean.

'Later' turned out to be two in the morning. Dean was sprawled on the couch, flipping through channels when he heard the front door clicking open. He'd been fighting to stay awake for the last two hours and when he heard that door open he was wide awake.

Dean watched over the top of the couch as Cas made his way through the apartment, there were a few bags in his hands but that didn't tell Dean anything on where Cas had been all day.

"Where have you been?" Dean asked finally. Cas jumped a little then looked over at Dean before shrugging.

"C'mon Cas, where've you been?"

"Out." Was the simple answer.

"Out."

"Yes."

"Out doing what?"

"Things."

Jesus, it was like talking to an annoyed teenager.

"Cas."

"I don't see how it matters, Dean."

"It matters to me Cas. I've been kinda worried." Cas snorted and dropped his bags to the floor behind the couch. Dean lifted himself up a little and eyed the contents. Clothes. They were filled with clothes.

"You went clothes shopping?"

Cas shrugged and shifted on his feet, "My other clothes were taken."

Right. Cas had mentioned that the night Dean had gone to pick him up. Someone had taken all of his things.

"How'd you get the money?"

Cas eyed him for a moment, "How do you think?"

Dean sighed and resisted the urge to bang his head against the nearest solid surface. He had been hoping that Cas would knock that shit off with a roof over his head and someone willing to help him.

"You don't have to do that anymore, Cas."

"How else was I supposed to get the money?"

"You fucking ask _me_ Cas! I would have lent you some." Dean snapped, ignoring Cas' glare.

"And how would I have paid you back? Blowjobs? Wanna fuck me, Dean?"

"Cas-"

"I'd let you, you know that right? You could bend me over this couch, I wouldn't mind. You'd probably treat me better than most-"

"_Cas_!" Cas snapped his mouth shut, crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at Dean. The little shit was probably trying to get a rise out of Dean on purpose.

Dean's first instinct was to yell. To lash back because that's what Cas was doing. Cas was just trying to push Dean away, was just trying to separate himself so he'd be able to leave again. Which wasn't something Dean wanted to happen.

So instead of yelling he took a deep breath, let it out in a sigh and muttered, "Cas, you know this isn't something you need to do anymore."

Which, unfortunately, was the wrong thing to say.

"I don't want your pity Dean." Cas snapped, brow furrowing and chin lifting in that stupid defiant way of his.

"Dammit Cas, this isn't _pity_. I'm trying to help you!"

"I never asked for your help!"

"You don't _have to_! You're my friend Cas, you don't seem to realize what that means!"

Cas' arms uncrossed, then re-crossed, "I'm your friend?"

"Have been since we were kids Cas."

Cas scoffed, "Right. Because when one of your friends runs away you never contact them again and let them whore themselves out."

Dean finally stood from the couch, and walked around it to stand in front of Cas, "I didn't know where you _were_! You disappeared, dammit! We all looked for you."

"You didn't look very hard. I was here the whole fucking time."

"Cas-"

"And believe it or not Dean, I did tell you where I was. You just chose not read the damn letter!" There was mention of that damn letter again. It was never going to leave Dean alone.

"I _told_ you where I was going, Dean. I gave you ways to contact me and you never fucking read it and you stand there and tell me you couldn't find me! That's your own fault! I _told you_... and you didn't even care enough to-"

Dean stepped forward and grabbed Cas' shoulders, shaking him a little, "I care, Cas. I care a lot, kind of the reason why I'm here now."

Cas scoffed and tried to step back, out of Dean's grasp, but Dean held on tight, "I didn't read your stupid letter because you'd just up and left. Left _me_. You didn't say a damn thing, just disappeared without a word."

Cas' shoulders slumped under Dean's hands and he looked off to the side, "I couldn't..."

Dean sighed and closed his eyes, this wasn't how he'd expected the evening to go. Finally he opened his eyes and asked, "Are you hungry?"

Cas blinked at the change of topic, mouth closing from what Dean could only assume would have been a smartass comment. Cas' eyes flicked away from Dean's to look down at his feet. Dean could remember the same look on Cas' face when they were younger, Cas had always been a bit shy when it came to asking for something he needed.

Dean waited patiently and Cas finally glanced up at him before looking away again and mumbled, "A little."

Dean was fluent in Cas speak and he knew "a little" meant "I could out-eat you right now".

"Great! Why don't you find a place for your clothes and I'll heat up some frozen pizzas."

Cas nodded, hesitated then looked back up at Dean finally, brows furrowing, "How long do you plan on keeping me here?"

"As long as you want. I'm not going to kick you out or anything. You know I just want to help you, Cas. You stay here as long as you need." Cas eyed him for a moment, then nodded and turned to get his bags of clothes up off the floor. Dean watched as he disappeared into the hallway before turning to get the pizzas out of the freezer.

They both ate in silence, Dean figuring he'd pushed Cas enough for the day. Cas kept his head down and wolfed down more than half the pizza for himself. Dean chose to ignore the pills Cas popped into his mouth as soon as the food was done and the boxes thrown away.

The two stood awkwardly in the kitchen, Cas shifting on his feet while Dean tried to think of something to say.

"I'm… going to go take a shower." Cas muttered, jerking a thumb over his shoulder.

Dean sighed and scratched at the back of his neck, "Right. I'm going to hit the sack... Early morning class and all."

Cas nodded, hesitated then stepped forward and pressed a soft kiss to Dean's cheek, "Goodnight Dean."

Dean watched in stunned silence as Cas left the kitchen and disappeared into the bathroom, the door clicking shut quietly behind him. Dean blinked, huffed, and flipped off the light in the kitchen, made sure the door was locked, and headed for his bed. This would have to be one of those things he pushed to the back of his mind and never thought about again.

* * *

><p>Dean was walking the fine line of sleep and wakefulness when he heard the door to his bedroom creak open. He didn't bother opening his eyes; he could tell by the hesitance that it was Cas coming into the room. Not like it could be anyone else, either; he hadn't heard anyone come in through the front door.<p>

Dean threw his arm over his eyes and grumbled, "What is it, Cas?"

Cas didn't say anything, but Dean heard the door close, heard bare feet padding over the carpet, and felt the blanket on the other side of the bed lift up and the dip of the mattress as Cas slid into the bed.

Cas shuffled across the bed, fitting himself against Dean's side, one of his hands coming up to stroke along Dean's cheek while the other slid down his chest.

Dean shifted a little, lifting his arm but not opening his eyes. He didn't know what he'd see when he opened his eyes, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to see what was there.

"Cas?"

"Relax, Dean." Cas leaned up, pressed a gentle and surprisingly chaste kiss to Dean's lips while his hand smoothed down Dean's stomach, fingers toying with the waistband of his boxers.

Dean opened his mouth to ask what Cas had in mind, but Cas shut him up with another kiss and Dean couldn't help but return it. It was _Cas,_after all; one of his best friends. The one person Dean had always been able to count on, and if he dug through the dark recesses of his mind, this was something he'd always hoped might happen. Had sometimes fantasied about, but this was something he shouldn't be doing now, not with how Cas was.

Cas was his _friend_, not another one night stand. Not another fling. This was not something to rush into. It was something that actually needed to be talked about. Sammy would have a field day if he could hear Dean's thoughts right now, especially with Cas' hand creeping down underneath the elastic band of his boxers.

Against Dean's better judgment, against his fucking _will_, he could feel himself growing hard. A slow, gentle swelling brought on by the way Cas' palm was moving and how he kept mouthing at Dean's jaw and neck. Cas was too calm about it-too sure of himself, and Dean had to remind himself that Cas had done this so many times before.

When Dean finally opened his eyes, much to his horror (and growing excitement) Cas was already naked, all smooth, hot skin pressed against Dean's side. How the hell had Dean not noticed?

"Cas-"

"Shh. Let me do this, Dean. Please." Dean knew he shouldn't, knew he should be telling Cas to go back to the couch because he knew Cas was probably high out of his mind again. But he was there, all heat and sleek lines as he moved; strong thighs coming to bracket Dean's hips.

"Cas-" He just couldn't find it in himself to tell Cas to stop, to shove the other man away. He'd regret this in the morning, and Cas probably would too when he was sober again, but Dean found himself gripping the sharp cut of Cas' hips and looking up at him. Cas gave him a small smile and slowly lowered himself down onto Dean.

Despite what Cas had told Dean, how many men he'd been with and what he'd gone through over the years, he was still incredibly tight, muscles fluttering and clenching as Cas let his head fall back, fingers digging into Dean's chest.

Cas' hips rolled, a gentle sigh escaped his mouth and Dean had the hysterical thought that Cas had prepped himself. Had probably used Dean's own lube that was in the bathroom, the thought of Cas in the bathroom using Dean's lube, opening himself up for Dean was enough to nearly send Dean over the edge.

Cas lifted himself up and Dean knew he was going to be rough about this, knew there was going to be nothing gentle or loving in how Cas would be moving. Dean wanted this to be different from what Cas knew, wanted this to mean something, for the both of them. So Dean grabbed Cas' hips and flipped them both over, Dean settling between Cas' spread thighs while Cas glared up at him.

"Dean," Cas lifted his hips, trying to get Dean to moved how he wanted, "_Move_ dammit."

Dean did move then, but not like Cas wanted. Not the hard and fast fucking that he'd probably had in mind, that he was used to. Instead he kept his pace even and slow, thrusting in deep, trying to find the angle that would hit Cas' sweet spot.

"Please-" Cas' eyes were squeezed shut, brow furrowed, mouth pink and slick from Dean's kisses.

"_Dean… please_."

"No, Cas." Cas whined and shifted, thighs opening wider, hips rolling up to meet Dean's thrusts, trying to get what he wanted, but Dean wouldn't do it. He kept his pace even and figured when Cas arched up, moaning and panting Dean's name, that he'd found Cas' prostate. He kept the angle, kept the pace and his back and thighs would probably hate him in the morning but when Cas finally relaxed into it, it was worth it.

Cas' long legs wrapped around Dean's waist, heels digging in, urging Dean deeper. The hand that had been gripping Dean's shoulder moved down between their bodies, reaching down to where Cas needed the touch the most. Dean slapped the hand away though and growled, "No."

The glare Cas directed at him lost most of its venom due to the fact Cas' hair was plastered to his forehead and his skin was shining with sweat in the dim light coming in through the window.

"You'll get there Cas."

"I want to be there _now_." Cas whined, back arching up again. Dean smiled and leaned down to kiss Cas, hopefully pass on the message that Dean wasn't like all those other men. Dean would never treat Cas like that, like he was just a quick fuck.

Having Cas under him like this, writhing and moaning, arching and gasping would make up for any future awkwardness.

Cas, unfortunately for Dean, took the moment Dean relaxed a little to flip them back over. Dean was amazed they hadn't rolled right off the bed yet.

"Cas-" Whatever Dean had been about to say was lost as Cas fucked himself down hard and fast, like he'd wanted to earlier. And Dean, tried as he had, couldn't help himself as he thrust up to meet Cas every time Cas moved down, hands gripping Cas' hips hard enough to leave bruises.

Cas was lost, head thrown back, exposing the long line of his throat, mouth open as quiet moans escaped out into the night.

Dean's orgasm took him by surprise, it'd been building up slowly, a steady burning fire in his veins, pooling up in his gut. It punched out of him seconds after Cas stilled above him, his own orgasm making his inner walls lock down like he was trying to milk Dean dry.

When Dean's mind came back online Cas was sprawled on the bed beside him, one arm and one leg flung over Dean. It was too hot to be so close, but Dean couldn't find it in himself to move. Cas was watching him with a slight smile, lips quirked up in such a way that reminded him of the smile Cas used to give him when they'd been kids. The smile that said _I done good_.

"Jesus, Cas, that was…" Dean trailed off, at a loss for words.

Cas' smile grew, "Lots of practice."

Which kind of killed the mood. Dean sighed and shifted onto his side so he could look at Cas head on, "Cas."

Cas' smile dimmed and faded, he rolled over onto his side as well, hand coming up to rest against Dean's neck, thumb idly stroking along Dean's pulse.

"You didn't have to do any of that Cas."

"I know. I wanted to," Cas hesitated, eyes wide and worried, "Have for a while. Back when we were kids."

"Christ Cas, why didn't you say anything?"

Cas shrugged, nonchalant, "You were with Lisa. You were still straight too as far as I could tell."

Dean sighed, but he was too tired, too sated to care. This was a conversation they could have in the light of day when Cas was sober and Dean wasn't ready to drop off into oblivion.

"Go to sleep, Cas." Dean whispered, hand coming up to brush the hair from Cas' forehead. Cas nodded and closed his eyes, breath evening out shortly after.

It took a lot longer for Dean to finally fall asleep.


End file.
